Oh Tinder Tinder Tinder, our small little corner of the world where we continually subject ourselves to an onslaught of disappointment. You know how easy it is to be a flaky cold fish when you don’t actually know someone, when you’ve never looked into their eyes and utter a single word to them? It’s pretty easy. There’s no liability what-so-ever when it comes to online dating. You can, in a moments notice, decide to eh, screw it, I’ll just get a whiskey with my girlfriends because I KNOW they are gonna show up excited to see me. The stakes of Tinder are literally zero. No risk = no reward. And Tinder perpetuates this with ease repeatedly. If I don’t show up on this date, the likely hood of me running into this person and us remembering each other is slim to none, even in a small town. I currently am matched with 87 men. 87!! I don’t really even remember what the one I’ve been texting looks like and generally scroll back through conversations to remind myself of this guys name, job, location, etc.
Here’s a quick list of what I’ll generally swipe right to: tall, dark hair, built/broad, tattoos, some variation of artist or blue-collar, a pet dog. It’s really that simple. Here’s what EVERY guy in Austin wants to include in his bio: works out, likes live music, loves tacos. WHICH IS EVERY PERSON IN AUSTIN. Guys, I can’t even anymore. LIKING TACOS IS WHO YOU ARE?!?! I digress. I’ll get to their pictures later lord Jesus.
The aforementioned is what I typically find attractive but let me just tell you a bit about the past few men/boys/guys I’ve had feelings for listed most recent to… two years ago (ex included). 1) tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, lean, no tattoos, intense, medic. 2) short(er), brown hair, eyes undetermined, ripped like a brick house, lots of tattoos, crazy fun person who worked a job. 3) short(er), blonde hair, brown eyes, built, no visible tattoos, dancer. 4) tall, dark hair, blue eyes, average build, no visible tattoos, hilarious comedian. 5) tall, brown hair, brown eyes, in shape, no tattoos, intense, consultant. 6) short(er), dirty blonde hair, bluest eyes, in shape, no tattoos, construction worker.
So the only thing any of these guys have in common is that I assume they’re all guys. But that’s about it. Four of the seven will never know that I loved them although I bet two have a pretty good idea. One I knew for 12 hours, one for 5 minutes, one I dated for 6 years. In chemistry, err relationships, an invisible force exists that will never been seen online, a certain I-don’t-know that connects people, encourages them to jump (into bed, out of it, into love, out of it) when a spark ignites. That spark is why we hold ourselves accountable to someone else even if it is for just a moment, a day, or a year. I’m dumbfounded by my own actions in the online dating world knowing full well that my “type” isn’t even my type at all. It’s the idea of a type I’ve literally never dated. Ok I did date my type once but it turns out that he wasn’t really my type at all. I’ve discovered that my type is a feeling, a connection, a lengthy conversation, a smile, a sunset, a slow dance. It’s why I’m 100% sure I will never meet him online (in the event I haven’t met him already). But the pictures online are worth a thousand words so keep on Tinder-ing!!!
- guy holding dead animal is always my favorite. SO YOU’RE A KILLER?!?
- guy pounding a beer. (because whiskey is too hard to handle?!)
- guy wearing a mask. he puts the lotion in the basket.
- guy selfie in the bathroom from below. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE looks good from this angle. I get it, you’re trying to look bigger than you are but again, we like all sizes so stop trying to be tall. NO ONE CARES HOW TALL YOU ARE!!*
- guy driving while taking selfie. Ok, you got your license, great news. NOW DON’T DIE WHILE DRIVING AND TAKING SELFIE! you idiot.
- guy selfie with resting bitch face. Men, it’s ok to smile! I promise you won’t emasculate yourselves by looking happy.
*ok, maybe it is ok to tell us your height if you are a small person in a big world or a big person in a small world. There are longitudinal logistics that won’t always work.
Also, maybe stay away from men who post the following two photos on their page:
Love! Death! GLITTER!!! 