The worst part about chopping off my finger…

Is that when my friend comes to take me to the hospital, I’ll still be wearing my pajamas.  And not just any pajamas, my mumu.  It’s 2:45pm.

GOODBYE GONNA GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE NOW!

How the hell do people stay motivated?  First, I’m suffering from the post vacation blues but don’t feel sorry for me, I was getting strung out and exhausted in Paris with two ladies I love.  HOWEVER, it’s that time of year when we all want to hibernate, eat, Christmas shop and binge watch on shows like Sons of Anarchy.  And go to party after party after party… Fun fact, I got home from my first of several Christmas parties last night at 5:30am.  Who the hell do I think I am?

I recently had a long conversation about motivation with a friend of mine, it’s ebbs and flows and the reasons for the aforementioned ebbs and flows.  I’m, ironically, my best when I’m my worst.  It’s only when I’m sinking faster than the Titanic that I actually get my ass outta bed, meditate, practice yoga, juice, read, pray.  Le sigh.

Tina introduced me to the concept of “dynamic tension” in relation to motivation.  Essentially dynamic tension is created when you are truthful and clear about where you are in life verses where you want to be.  If you’re at your worst or furthest from your goal, the tension between the two places makes you work that much harder or feel that much worse therefore motivating you to get your ass movin’.  Once you’re feeling a little better or even a smaller step closer to your goals, the tension eases up and so do our motivations or actions.    It makes the most sense ever.

Ok great, now we know why we’re still laying in bed BUT HOW, PRAY TELL, DO WE GET OUT?!  The article goes on to mention baby steps which to me is somewhat vague and only reminds me What About Bob.  But truthfully, Bob had it right.  He knew to get anywhere, in his case literally, each action or baby step was simply one step towards his goal even if they were so ridiculous.  So here is something I am going to do as not Bob: 1) write down where I am AND write down where I want to be, specifically, in all aspects of my life, 2) remind myself everyday that I’m not there yet (my old acting teacher told me that you’re never there there),  3)  liter my home with post-its of inspirational quotes, 4) keep working on my vision “board” in the career corner of my feng shui bedroom.  My “board” is a rope with photos of inspiring people, ideas on career, ticket stubs, art, etc each paper clipped on.  I like to be able to change things out and it looks better than a stupid poster board.

I don’t know you guys, it’s all trial and error!  I’m sure I’ll blog about how incredible I’ve been at doing all these wonderful things in a month and then two months later post another article in my mumu at 3pm!  But ya know, life.

Crazy is as crazy dates!

We all have that friend who constantly dates the crazies!! My wonderful friend (who I won’t name) could’t get away from them.  Each time he met a new lady we all knew she was going to be crazy.  And most of them never let us down.  Why?  Well… hate to say this but crazy is as crazy dates.  My friend is one of the biggest hearted men I’ve met.  He’s sensitive, artistic, creative, musical, funny and also a little bit insane.  But show me an artist who isn’t and you’ll show me a liar.  Artists of all kinds are forced to reckon with themselves daily; unearth their demons, face their fears, put themselves out there in a way most folks shudder to think of.  Artists are constantly putting our hearts into the universe to be judge and thrown back in our faces.  Becoming that raw in art, in life or in love will leave you in a particularly touchy place.  If you’re ever been inclined towards anything on the negative or depressive end of nature, art will make you crazy.  This is exactly why most artist need a great therapist; to stay afloat when everything is trying to drown you, when looking in the mirror is a horrifying endeavor.  When we find similarities in others we recognize in ourselves, we understand that, it’s comforting, it makes you feel less crazy.

I recently started questioning my “choices” in crazy because for some reason, like most of the “men” in my life, I couldn’t escape the crazy.  Finding another crazy, or someone more inclined to crazy than myself, is always SUPER FUN!  And I mean that very genuinely.  Of course crazy comes in an array of colors but crazy in and of itself is still a duck.  My particular crazy at this particular time came in the shape of a Mexican stand off between where I wanted to go and the paralysis I faced in simply getting out of bed, his was a super healthy id and a super delusional ego.  Or scratch that, verse it.  I digress…

So…it came at almost no shock to recently discover that I’m for sure 100% crazy.  Not in the I’m-gonna-drive-by-your-house-crying variety or even of the Facebook stalking variety and most certainly not in the I’ll-jump-from-this-roof-if-you-don’t-love-me crazy.  But crazy in my definition of love.  Love to me is easy (of course I know it isn’t all easy but for the sake of falling into love, it should be pretty damn easy).  It just is.  It’s uncomplicated.  It’s either yes or no.  Sure it hurts and it’s scary and it’s often times incredibly confusing but when there exists the possibility of love, then love it is.  But we complicate the shit out of everything else so why not a basic emotion as well.

Love has taken on an entirely new identity.  Love isn’t just holding hands and sharing an ice cream sundae anymore.  Love is THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND OMG AM I READY FOR THIS AND IF NOT THEN I NEED TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW ON OUR FIRST DATE OR ELSE ILL MAKE AN EPICALLY BAD DECISION THAT’LL RUIN MY LIFE AND ANY OTHER POSSIBILITY OF LOVE AND IF THIS ISNT THE RIGHT ONE BUT I CHOOSE THIS NOW MAYBE ILL BE MISSING OUT ON THE RIGHT ONE LATER.  Guys, I mean actual men here, dating or loving or sex doesn’t mean that we want to tie you down and marry you and have kids and share a mortgage together!  Trust me, us ladies have SO MUCH MORE at stake that you could ever begin to wrap your complicated heads around.  We’re just taking you for a test drive, amiright girls?  When we decide, if we do, that marriage is something we’d like to partake in with you, you’ll know it.  For sure.  We’ll drag you kicking and screaming to Tiffany.  So can we all calm down for a minute and realize that dating or love or sex is just dating or love or sex right now.  That’s the black (or white) part of it.  It’s either YES we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing today or NO we aren’t doing any of that at all.

Too often I consider the weight of my text messages.  I’m certain that so many guys assume things or take sweet messages out of context and imagine they mean the heavy l-going-to-take-your-soul-then-your-401K.  From the very beginning I’m tiptoeing around being who I am out of fear that my sweet side, my flirty side, my smart assery will scare you little flowers away.

Love just is.  And if that simplicity makes me crazy, then….

****On publication of this post (which I wrote a couple months ago) I’ve weeded out most of the crazy from my  life and am feeling much less crazy myself.  FUNNY ISN’T, IT?!