I care. I’ll admit. I care!! I wish I didn’t because caring is the reason I’ve had my heart-broken 6-8 times this year. I’ve stopped counting. So ladies, I’m here to admit that I make a horrible horrible honey badger!
My sister on the other hand is the ULTIMATE honey badger!! She even has a saying for not giving a fuck when someone is annoying her, “CARE!” And she means it, hardcore. She can’t even be bothered to say “I don’t” in front of the care, it’s just “CARE!” She’ll say this to your face, to your back, to your friends, to your dog. She will straight up “bye Felicia” you and walk away and really truly never look back. When it comes to men, she’ll wave down a handsome stranger at a bar and invite him to sit with her and THEY ALL DO! She’ll never utter a word to a man yet pass him a note across the bar then wave and join her friends. Sooner or later, he’ll always make his way to her table. Because ladies she is a real honey badger!! She doesn’t give a shit. And she never has. **
Is it confidence, bravery, something other-worldly? I don’t know because I don’t have it. I don’t have an ounce of it. I’m the girl who sees a cute guy and trips. Ask Channing Tatum if you ever run into him. I’m the girl who knocks off the glass of ice water or runs into the trash can. I’m the girl who will take a sip of my wine very cool like and spill it down the front of my white dress. I’m the girl who will make jokes at my own expense because there are plenty to be made. I’m a walking sitcom. I care too much about what someone else will think, or how I’ll be perceived, or rather or not someone is going to like me. When the truth is, if they don’t like you, well, CARE!! There are many others who will and probably more who won’t. It’s the crap shoot of life.
However, the older I get the more and more pages I take from my sisters book of “how not to..” Frankly, life is too short to care that much. I attribute it to being a very sensitive artist. Or just sensitive perhaps (I like blaming a LOT on being an artist if you haven’t noticed). If you look at me wrong I’ll wonder for days what I did to piss you off. My sister will slap you and take a nap. If you don’t call me, I’ll again wonder for days what I said or did. My sister will just delete your number from her phone and make a sandwich. She will stop taking your calls and texts. I, on the other hand, am learning the fine art of being silent and caring less (truth be told, I’ll respond to all your calls and texts, I’m a glutton for punishment). Or… perhaps just valuing myself more and that is simply what I think it comes down to.
My sister has dealt with so much in her life that she gets it. How much we value ourselves, our time, and our hearts is in direct relation to what we accept and expect of others. This value theme is something I’ve been discussing a lot with my therapist lately. Taking care of my heart has never been my priority until now and while I am working on it I keep thinking of the original honey badger, my sister. My LITTLE sister. It’s a process but I feel like I’m finally finally taking the right steps to care less because my time matters and my feelings matter and in the grand scheme of life neither can be or should be taken for granted. So I write. I distract myself with the things and people I do love and who love me. And I keep working on “playing it cool.” And then I say something really dumb but ya know, growing spurts!
**Although my sister is the poster child for all things honey badgers, she is without a doubt the most generous, loving person you’ll ever meet. And if you get a chance to be her friend, she’ll be your friend for life. Until you’re dumb then she ain’t got no time for that.