Crazy is as crazy dates!

We all have that friend who constantly dates the crazies!! My wonderful friend (who I won’t name) could’t get away from them.  Each time he met a new lady we all knew she was going to be crazy.  And most of them never let us down.  Why?  Well… hate to say this but crazy is as crazy dates.  My friend is one of the biggest hearted men I’ve met.  He’s sensitive, artistic, creative, musical, funny and also a little bit insane.  But show me an artist who isn’t and you’ll show me a liar.  Artists of all kinds are forced to reckon with themselves daily; unearth their demons, face their fears, put themselves out there in a way most folks shudder to think of.  Artists are constantly putting our hearts into the universe to be judge and thrown back in our faces.  Becoming that raw in art, in life or in love will leave you in a particularly touchy place.  If you’re ever been inclined towards anything on the negative or depressive end of nature, art will make you crazy.  This is exactly why most artist need a great therapist; to stay afloat when everything is trying to drown you, when looking in the mirror is a horrifying endeavor.  When we find similarities in others we recognize in ourselves, we understand that, it’s comforting, it makes you feel less crazy.

I recently started questioning my “choices” in crazy because for some reason, like most of the “men” in my life, I couldn’t escape the crazy.  Finding another crazy, or someone more inclined to crazy than myself, is always SUPER FUN!  And I mean that very genuinely.  Of course crazy comes in an array of colors but crazy in and of itself is still a duck.  My particular crazy at this particular time came in the shape of a Mexican stand off between where I wanted to go and the paralysis I faced in simply getting out of bed, his was a super healthy id and a super delusional ego.  Or scratch that, verse it.  I digress…

So…it came at almost no shock to recently discover that I’m for sure 100% crazy.  Not in the I’m-gonna-drive-by-your-house-crying variety or even of the Facebook stalking variety and most certainly not in the I’ll-jump-from-this-roof-if-you-don’t-love-me crazy.  But crazy in my definition of love.  Love to me is easy (of course I know it isn’t all easy but for the sake of falling into love, it should be pretty damn easy).  It just is.  It’s uncomplicated.  It’s either yes or no.  Sure it hurts and it’s scary and it’s often times incredibly confusing but when there exists the possibility of love, then love it is.  But we complicate the shit out of everything else so why not a basic emotion as well.

Love has taken on an entirely new identity.  Love isn’t just holding hands and sharing an ice cream sundae anymore.  Love is THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND OMG AM I READY FOR THIS AND IF NOT THEN I NEED TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW ON OUR FIRST DATE OR ELSE ILL MAKE AN EPICALLY BAD DECISION THAT’LL RUIN MY LIFE AND ANY OTHER POSSIBILITY OF LOVE AND IF THIS ISNT THE RIGHT ONE BUT I CHOOSE THIS NOW MAYBE ILL BE MISSING OUT ON THE RIGHT ONE LATER.  Guys, I mean actual men here, dating or loving or sex doesn’t mean that we want to tie you down and marry you and have kids and share a mortgage together!  Trust me, us ladies have SO MUCH MORE at stake that you could ever begin to wrap your complicated heads around.  We’re just taking you for a test drive, amiright girls?  When we decide, if we do, that marriage is something we’d like to partake in with you, you’ll know it.  For sure.  We’ll drag you kicking and screaming to Tiffany.  So can we all calm down for a minute and realize that dating or love or sex is just dating or love or sex right now.  That’s the black (or white) part of it.  It’s either YES we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing today or NO we aren’t doing any of that at all.

Too often I consider the weight of my text messages.  I’m certain that so many guys assume things or take sweet messages out of context and imagine they mean the heavy l-going-to-take-your-soul-then-your-401K.  From the very beginning I’m tiptoeing around being who I am out of fear that my sweet side, my flirty side, my smart assery will scare you little flowers away.

Love just is.  And if that simplicity makes me crazy, then….

****On publication of this post (which I wrote a couple months ago) I’ve weeded out most of the crazy from my  life and am feeling much less crazy myself.  FUNNY ISN’T, IT?!

 

Tinder is the night… Oh boy!

Oh Tinder Tinder Tinder, our small little corner of the world where we continually subject ourselves to an onslaught of disappointment.  You know how easy it is to be a flaky cold fish when you don’t actually know someone, when you’ve never looked into their eyes and utter a single word to them?  It’s pretty easy.  There’s no liability what-so-ever when it comes to online dating.  You can, in a moments notice, decide to eh, screw it, I’ll just get a whiskey with my girlfriends because I KNOW they are gonna show up excited to see me.  The stakes of Tinder are literally zero.  No risk = no reward.  And Tinder perpetuates this with ease repeatedly.  If I don’t show up on this date, the likely hood of me running into this person and us remembering each other is slim to none, even in a small town.  I currently am matched with 87 men.  87!!  I don’t really even remember what the one I’ve been texting looks like and generally scroll back through conversations to remind myself of this guys name, job, location, etc.

Here’s a quick list of what I’ll generally swipe right to: tall, dark hair, built/broad, tattoos, some variation of artist or blue-collar, a pet dog.  It’s really that simple.  Here’s what EVERY guy in Austin wants to include in his bio: works out, likes live music, loves tacos.  WHICH IS EVERY PERSON IN AUSTIN.  Guys, I can’t even anymore.  LIKING TACOS IS WHO YOU ARE?!?!  I digress. I’ll get to their pictures later lord Jesus.

The aforementioned is what I typically find attractive but let me just tell you a bit about the past few men/boys/guys I’ve had feelings for listed most recent to… two years ago (ex included). 1)  tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, lean, no tattoos, intense, medic.  2) short(er), brown hair, eyes undetermined, ripped like a brick house, lots of tattoos, crazy fun person who worked a job.  3) short(er), blonde hair, brown eyes, built, no visible tattoos, dancer.  4) tall, dark hair, blue eyes, average build, no visible tattoos, hilarious comedian.  5) tall, brown hair, brown eyes, in shape, no tattoos, intense, consultant.  6) short(er), dirty blonde hair, bluest eyes, in shape, no tattoos, construction worker.

So the only thing any of these guys have in common is that I assume they’re all guys.  But that’s about it.  Four of the seven will never know that I loved them although I bet two have a pretty good idea.  One I knew for 12 hours, one for 5 minutes, one I dated for 6 years.  In chemistry, err relationships, an invisible force exists that will never been seen online, a certain I-don’t-know that connects people, encourages them to jump (into bed, out of it, into love, out of it) when a spark ignites.  That spark is why we hold ourselves accountable to someone else even if it is for just a moment, a day, or a year.  I’m dumbfounded by my own actions in the online dating world knowing full well that my “type” isn’t even my type at all.  It’s the idea of a type I’ve literally never dated.  Ok I did date my type once but it turns out that he wasn’t really my type at all.  I’ve discovered that my type is a feeling, a connection, a lengthy conversation, a smile, a sunset, a slow dance.  It’s why I’m 100% sure I will never meet him online (in the event I haven’t met him already).  But the pictures online are worth a thousand words so keep on Tinder-ing!!!

1. guy holding dead animal is always my favorite.  SO YOU’RE A KILLER?!?
2. guy pounding a beer.  (because whiskey is too hard to handle?!)
3. guy wearing a mask.  he puts the lotion in the basket.
4. guy selfie in the bathroom from below.  NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE looks good from this angle.  I get it, you’re trying to look bigger than you are but again, we like all sizes so stop trying to be tall.  NO ONE CARES HOW TALL YOU ARE!!*
5. guy driving while taking selfie.  Ok, you got your license, great news.  NOW DON’T DIE WHILE DRIVING AND TAKING SELFIE!  you idiot.
6. guy selfie with resting bitch face.  Men, it’s ok to smile!  I promise you won’t emasculate yourselves by looking happy.

*ok, maybe it is ok to tell us your height if you are a small person in a big world or a big person in a small world.  There are longitudinal logistics that won’t always work.

Also, maybe stay away from men who post the following two photos on their page: